Thoughts on mess-ups, guilt, shame, and God's grace.
Most times I'd like to think I have stuff in my life under control. I'd like to think I can keep a pretty good, healthy balence with everything. But every once in a while, I slip up... sometimes I fall flat on my face, and others I just trip over myself a bit. But the bible says that either way, a small or big mess up, I automatically fail. Boom; game over.
"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking it all." It is so easy to just read James 2:10 by itself and think, "Wow, God tells me that I'm a failure and there's pretty much no hope for me." Awesome. And for many years of my life I thought just that. Oh, I knew that God loved me and that he has forgiven me many-a-times. But I didn't really truly believe it in the intermost parts of my being. Because of that there has been a constant layering of more and more guilt in me. I didn't know how and I didnt want to let it go. The little or the big things. There have been some recent experiences in my life that have been a HUGE wake-up call to me that I need to be more aware of my thoughts and actions... I can't participate in a church service and sing "Take it all" when I really don't truly mean it. I can say that I give everything to God, but the truth is I'm holding on to my guilt with a tight squeeze. Because, number one, it makes me feel better. I'm not really sure why, but I guess if I feel bad about what I did and just keep clinging on to those awful feelings about stuff I do wrong, then I know it was wrong. If I just let it go, I can't feel bad about it anymore. The second reason why I keep my guilt close to me is that I hate to feel vulnerable, and I hate confrontation. If I were to let it go, I'd have to pull it out and deal with it. If I just keep it inside then it's tucked away, nice and neat so that no one else will ever have to know about it, and it would be just fine. And then I read this...
"Then I let it all out; I said, "I'll make a clean slate of my failures to God."
Suddenly the pressure was gone—my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared." (Psalm 32:5) This helps me to visualize the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that in the end, letting go of pain and guilt I've carried around for so long, will turn out exponentially better for me. It's just going through the pain of having to deal with all the stuff I have done that scares me more than anything. God's grace is so much more than enough for me, and I'm just starting to realize the depth of that. "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..." In Mexico, my super awesome fanatstic small group :), talked a lot about trust in God. About how trust in God is something that comes with experience. The more hard times a person is faced with, the more their trust in God is stretched. I think it's the same with understanding God's unfailing love and grace. If you did everything right, and never messed up, (which is impossible) than you would never know how incredible the grace of God is. The fact that Jesus can hang, nailed to a piece of wood, blood pouring out of him, and say "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" baffles me to no end. There's no way I will ever know how amazing, and how unconditional the love of my heavenly father is. My love is so uncredibly conditional, and my continual prayer is this...
God, forgive me for my mistakes, take my guilt and rid me of it. Help me to let it all go. I want to understand your never ending, unconditional grace and love towards me. "Take my life and let it be, EVERYTHING, all for you! Here I am, use me for your glory! In EVERYTHING I say and do, let my life honor you! Here I am, living for your glory!!"
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